Thursday, April 01, 2004
The psychologist said the other day, pain and sorrow is the price we each have to pay for love. She made alot of sense in that single line, I think. Not until it is too late, we all have never realized how much we love him. Unlike the others, we are too attached to withdraw into indifference, to put up a shield against the impending heartache. Caught in the tangle of throbbing emotions, the solemn responsibility rests upon me - to grieve. If not me, then who, in school?
I have actually begun feeling slightly better but I haven't been able to refrain from feeling guilty. Guilt weighs down my every unwilling step towards normalcy. Have I already stopped grieving, my feelings dulled since? Memories hurt, but do not seem to pierce as much. This is what I have been dreading all along, isn't it? Gradual detachment. Has my mind filed him into a memory slot already, even before the tears have dried? Somewhere inside of me, I know I do not want to recover from the trauma. To move on would mean losing yet another piece of him, I cannot afford that, not now not ever.
I have actually begun feeling slightly better but I haven't been able to refrain from feeling guilty. Guilt weighs down my every unwilling step towards normalcy. Have I already stopped grieving, my feelings dulled since? Memories hurt, but do not seem to pierce as much. This is what I have been dreading all along, isn't it? Gradual detachment. Has my mind filed him into a memory slot already, even before the tears have dried? Somewhere inside of me, I know I do not want to recover from the trauma. To move on would mean losing yet another piece of him, I cannot afford that, not now not ever.
